Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
