You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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