I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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