And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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