The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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