Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
