I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
