life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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