you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
