I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
