I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
