you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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