I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
