You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
