Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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