FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
