idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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