yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
