What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
