I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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