These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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