ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
