Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
