I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
