You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
