forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
