You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
