Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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