Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
