I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
