I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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