I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
