I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
