I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
