I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
