Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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