I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
