I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
