i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
