Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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