sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
