I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
