she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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