I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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