hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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