she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
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Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.