I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
