Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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