Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
