I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
