I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
