Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
