i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
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I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
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I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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