We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
