Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
