the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
