I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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