He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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