my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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