someone threw a dead crab at me
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
