I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
