They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
